Why Shadow Link's The Best

Somewhere in the Sacred Realm, all the villains were gathered together and arguing (violently); Shadow Link stood on a chair to be heard by everyone. "Y'all are idiots! It's very clear that I am the best villain!"

Ganon grunted, "Huh. Where's your proof?!"

"Hmm..." A cruel grin slid across Shadow's face. "I could say them now...! But I'd much rather hear your arguments first~! Since you're the loudest and most obnoxious, let's start with you, Pig-Man!"

Ganon did not care much for the insult thrown his way, but he adjusted himself into a proper speaking posture, "Well of course I am the main villain of the series and I have been granted power by the gods-"

A "wrong answer" klaxon sounded off as Shadow pushed Ganon aside.

"One!" Shadow held up his pointer finger. "Being the main villain is not a valid argument! Two!" He held up a second finger, then paused for a moment. Not thinking of anything better, he shrugged. "...I'm just tired of that god-complex of yours! NEXT!"

"Hey-but-you-can't-just-"

"NEXT!"

Majora stepped-er... floated forward, "I put an entire community in danger by pulling a moon down upon a town-"

Shadow walked up behind Majora and pulled on one of its spikes, dragging him over to where he left Ganon.

"...Whiiiich Sephiroth did three years before on a much larger scale; you lose points for lack of originality and copying off a mama's boy. NEXT!"

Veran repositioned the chair to use as a prop to emphasize herself, "I possessed the Oracle of Ages and used her powers to do my bidding and alter the past~ And I nearly succeeded in destroying Link by attempting to murder one of his ancestors."

Shadow gave Veran's argument some thought, "Ehhh... You gain points for originality, but lose points for including non-canon information which included a sick backwards version of elements in a movie from the 80's. NEXT!"

Chancellor Cole stood on the chair, "Well I should get some points! I managed to 'kill' Zelda!"

Shadow held his hand up to Cole's face, "Which in turn gave her and Link an advantage by allowing her to travel with him. We'll call you when we need some breakfast. NEXT!"

Shadow turned to a section of the floor that appeared to be empty and sweat-dropped. He could have sworn someone was standing there a moment ago...

"Uhhhh... NEXT!"

"Hey!" Vaati, in Minish form, was jumping up and down, steam coming out of his ears. "What about me?!"

"Oh..." Shadow stared down at Vaati. "Sorry Vaati, I didn't see you there... You lose points for making it hard for me to see you."

"Don't I get points for being the only repetitive villain other than you and Pig-Man over there??!" Vaati jumped around some more, pointing over at Ganon.

Shadow twisted his face, "Hmm, yeah... I'll give you some brownie points for your innovative thinking and the fact that you're just so darn cute~"

"Don't call me cute!"

"NEXT!"

Ghirahim hadn't paid much attention up until this point, but he figured he'd entertain Shadow and walked up, but he was stopped by Shadow.

"Uh-uh. I'm not even going to discuss you. I can't so much as look at you without picturing Tim Curry in fishnet tights."

Ghirahim stuck out his tongue at Shadow.

"And get that demonic thing back in your mouth! NEXT!"

"Well..." Agahnim stepped forward.

Shadow cringed, "I'm gonna skip over you 'cause you ugly! NEXT!"

"Don't you think this is an unfair judging...?" Agahnim glared.

Shadow wasn't paying much attention as he had just stepped in a pile of goo; he looked up and saw Bellum hanging from the ceiling. "...I don't even have a response to that. Can we get the maid over here? NEXT!"

"He really is starting to act like an asshole," Veran said.

"NEXT!" Shadow waved Veran off and turned to the next person. Nightmare. "You're a dream! You don't count! NEXT!"

Standing next to Nightmare was Zant, Shadow grinned sarcastically. "Oh, I can't wait to hear this one~!"

Zant cleared his throat, "Well, I was granted great powers by my god and successfully usurped my princess's throne, turning her into an imp-"

"And then she killed you with her hair in less than a second." Shadow chuckled. "Not to mention that your 'god' is Pig-Man over there..."

"Will you all stop calling me 'Pig-Man'!?" Ganon cried.

Shadow hummed the Batman Theme and turned to Ganon with another sarcastic grin, "Pig-Man~! NEXT!"

Next up was Onox, he wasn't sure exactly what to say and hesitated. Shadow waved him off and turned away, "NEXT!"

"Hey!" Onox injected. "You didn't let me say anything!"

"More than he let me say..." Ghirahim grunted.

"You lose points for hesitation!"

Koume cackled and rubbed her hands, glaring at Shadow a little, "I think the little brat is just making up the rules as he goes along..."

"You!" Shadow turned to Koume and hissed. "You lose points for talking back at me!" He waved his arm back and forth to point at both Koume and Kotake. "And both of you lose points for doing such a shitty job of raising this guy!"

As Shadow pointed at Ganon, all the other villains glared at him and began to grumble. Shadow stood back on the chair made grand gestures, "Finally, you wanna hear my argument? I am the shadow, the anti-existence of Link, our enemy; as such, I have almost every single one of his abilities that he used to beat the crap out of all of you! Not to mention a few of my own... And thanks to him, I also have these smoldering good looks which tied together with my bad boy persona give me just as many if not more fangirls than him which is most certainly at least twice as many as any of you damn punks! (Except maybe Pig-Man's human form, and Ghirahim's got a broad fanbase for some reason... but I'm not gonna point that out...)"

All the other villains stared at Shadow, speechless and defeated. The only one who could utter anything was Ganon, and all he could say was, "...Damn."